it's all downhill from here kid (demo)

by susie derkins

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some solo songs while i figure things out

no the title is not a new found glory reference smh

vox + words + guitar: samantha stoakes

"gutless" was written in boston which means it is old but "paranoid again! :)" and "counting cards" were written in philly which means they are BRAND NEW BABY!!

these songs are all about when good things get weird and/or bad! :)


released April 5, 2017



all rights reserved


susie derkins Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

we're goin off the rails on a crazy train!!!!!!

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Track Name: paranoid again! :)
i don't think that anyone is following me
but i still turn around on the street

i don't really think that you hate me
but i still feel it and wonder and worry

how do i explain this self centeredness
that makes me think every bad thing you feel
is something that i did

i'm getting paranoid again
Track Name: gutless
did i do something to scare you?
sometimes i scare myself too
have you been waiting for me to go
is this something i should have known

leave the room for a smoke
straighten out my clothes
fall asleep with backs turned
let the silence form a pattern

is it self preservation or self destruction that keeps me quiet
am i learning from my mistakes when i learn not to talk

i was back at your house today
why was i surprised when you looked away
or when you barely said anything
humiliation is exhausting

too nice to say "no"
or "maybe you should head home"
or "we should spend some time alone"
or "i think i'm better on my own"

is it overdramatic or overbearing to think that we had something
am i learning what you forgot when i'm trying to talk

you can't feel it in your gut if you don't have one

is it unrealistic or unproductive to wish that i could tell you
that i'm learning what i deserve when i learn how to talk
Track Name: counting cards
it gets better when you loosen your grip
on whatever makes your hands rough
the same feeling when i realized good
will never be good enough

i didn't know the knife was in me
until i pulled it out
and i don't know what to do with it
but i've been trying to figure it out

it gets harder to live healthy
when you're not sure what for
and starving doesn't feel good
but what does anymore

do i mean the things that i don't say
can i trust what's in my head
i'm still coughing up what i believe
after choking on what i was fed

it gets easier to stand tall
when you shed what your shoulders held
the same feeling when i realized this
isn't how it is for everyone else

and i'm sick of counting cards
and keeping track of where you are
tired from catching up
while you and your friends play dumb

soon the dust we kicked up will be done settling
and our claws will finally free from each other's skin
and we'll know better than to play games we can't win
and we'll know better than to try this again